One Woman's View: A merry heart does good
Contributing writer
April is National Humor Month! Therefore I have decided to share a few of my favorite jokes. Of course, any reader who is personally acquainted with me has probably heard all of them at least once, but I hope I may have one or two readers who do not fall into that category. A man sentenced to prison was getting acquainted with his cell mate when an inmate in a nearby cell called out, "Number 54!" Everyone in the cell block dissolved in helpless laughter.
The new prisoner's cell mate shouted, "Number 16!" This also was greeted with roars of hilarity.
"What is so funny?" the new prisoner asked.
His cell mate explained, "We've all been here together so long that we know all the same jokes. We've given them all numbers, so we don't have to tell them."
"Can I try it?" asked the new prisoner. Encouraged by his cell mate, he yelled, "Number 27!" Not the smallest chuckle was heard. "What's wrong?" he asked the other prisoner.
"You know how it is. Some people know how to tell a joke, and some people don't."
If you decide I belong in the second group, you have my permission to stop reading any time.
*****
When a Quaker started to milk his newly purchased cow, she immediately kicked the bucket over. Without saying a word, the Quaker went in the house to wash the bucket, then came back and began milking again. He got about three inches of milk in the bucket before the cow again kicked it over.
Once more, the Quaker calmly and silently went to wash the bucket. This time he kept a very watchful eye on the recalcitrant cow, and he had nearly finished milking when the cow got past his guard, kicked over the pail and splashed him from head to toe with milk.
At this point the Quaker said, "Thee knows that I am a Quaker, and thee knows that I would never strike thee or beat thee or lay a hand upon thee in anger, but if thee kicks this bucket over one more time, I will sell thee to my brother-in-law, who is a Baptist, and he will beat the daylights out of thee."
*****
A young man walking on the beach spotted a rusty lamp half buried in the sand. Upon digging it out and brushing it off, he was surprised to see a genie emerge saying, "You may have three wishes."
"I wish I had a brand new Ferrari." Poof! There was a brand new Ferrari.
"Wow! That's awesome," said the young man. "I wish I had lots and lots of money." Poof! There was a large chest full of hundred dollar bills in front of him.
He considered his third wish very carefully and finally said, "I know! I wish I could be absolutely irresistible to women." And poof! He was a half-gallon of Rocky Road ice cream.
*****
When God placed Adam in the Garden of Eden, He asked how he liked it. "It's a great place," said Adam, looking around, "but I think I might get lonely."
"All right," God said. "I'll give you a woman for a companion."
When He created Eve and presented her to the man, the awestruck Adam breathed, "She is so beautiful! God, why did you make her so beautiful?"
"I made her beautiful so that you would love her, Adam," God answered.
The two humans clasped hands and scampered joyfully through the garden. However, a few days later Adam came back to speak with God, and this time he was less happy. "God," he said, "I do appreciate having a companion, but she is so dumb. Why did you have to make her so dumb?"
"Adam," God replied, "I made her dumb so that she would love you."
*****
As a pastor greeted a young couple and their small son after church, the boy handed him a quarter. "Thank you," the pastor said, "but you could put that in the offering plate."
"Oh, no," replied the boy. "I want you to have it. Dad says you're the poorest preacher we ever had."
*****
I confess that I plagiarized this last bit of humor from one of Monsignor Arthur Tonne's joke books, but I don't think he'll mind. He told this one, like many of his jokes, on a priest, but it could be anyone.
No matter what he did or how much he prayed, the priest could not be quite certain of his salvation. One day he spoke to his guardian angel asking, "Could you please give my a sign, so I'll know for sure that I'm bound for heaven?"
That evening, as the priest was preparing for bed, the angel suddenly appeared in his room saying, "You asked for a sign, and I have come. I have good news and bad news."
"Give me the good news first," said the priest.
"You definitely are going to heaven. You don't need to worry at all about that."
"Whew! That's a relief! What's the bad news?"
"The bad news," replied the angel, "is that you're going right now."
